*How to tell if you are dating a commitment phobic

So you have been dating, you met someone you are really excited about, they are complimentary, attentive, full of excitement about the future. Then suddenly one day, they are MIA (missing in action) no return call for hours or a day or so. They explain they are just busy, nothings wrong but the distance seems to grow. Then it happens, they explain, "its not you its ME"

It could be they are commitment phobic

Commitment phobics are actually tortured souls full of FEAR. They are in a constant state of emotional conflict because of their negative irrational beliefs about love, commitment and relationships.

Generally, commitment phobic people claim that they are eager to find a lasting romantic attachment and get married; yet they fail to find appropriate partners and maintain long-lasting connections. Why? because many have such a long list of must-haves, they probably may not find anybody ever! With the long list of expectations, it is a way of expressing, that they are commitment phobic people. Ironically, in romantic relationships, the commitment phobic partner craves what he/she fears most: love and connection. This paradoxical craving for love with the frightening reality of "forever" leads to a confusing and destructive pattern of seduction and rejection. The results are emotionally devastating.

One potentially misleading aspect of commitment phobic behavior is that the partner who is actively running away from commitment is the only one with a problem!

In fact, commitment phobic behavior includes those individuals that are "settling" for inappropriate partners, pursuing unattainable partners, and engaging in instant relationships as well as those fleeing from a stable romance. Any persistent behavior that actively prevents a person from making a commitment or allows a person to make excuses for not having made a commitment can be considered commitment phobic.

Here are some clues, which apply to many (but not all) Commitment phobics

1. They usually have a history of short relationships and they may never have been married - there is often an excuse that they haven’t met the right person, or they justify their history by saying they still have plenty of time to settle down as they can have children at any age. A favorite line is "someday".

2. If they have been married it is likely to have been for a short time, or, if they have been in a long term relationship or marriage, they will usually have a history of infidelity.

3. They want a relationship but they also want freedom and space so they are often attracted to long distance relationships and busy independent people.

4. They are fast to move toward a monogamous relationship, and they pursue ardently until they win the person over.

5. They are very charming. They say and do all the right things and they can be very romantic. They are very good salesmen to get their own needs met, but in reality they have very little concern for the other person’s feelings, as they are always operating from hidden agendas.

6. Commitment phobics love the chase but they don’t want the kill. This may happen after 1 night, 1 week, 1 month, 3 months or 1 year. They may start sabotaging just as they are about to get married, or just before or after there's a decision made to move in together.

7. Severe commitment phobics avoid events or outings that may include the woman's family or friends.

8. They can have a history of unavailability and inaccessibility. They can be hard to contact, and they are often unpredictable when it comes to returning phone calls. They can even avoid answering calls completely. They are like this with family and friends as well, although this is not the case in their working environment.

9. They hate planning ahead because that means commitments.

10. Behavioral inconsistencies are very noticeable with these men when they find themselves getting too close. They become argument and abusive, or they create distance. A lot of uncaring sabotage behaviors surface ex: working long hours, taking on new projects, not able to make social commitments with you, not calling back, finding fault with the person they are involved with.

11. The word “forever” terrifies them. They usually end up behaving worse and worse, creating sabotage to make the person want to end the relationship as they feel too anxious and guilty to do so themselves.

How you can handle a commitment phobic

Don’t rush into bed with these types, especially the ones who are very charming and pursue ardently, as they are the ones to be most wary of. Take your time. Listen carefully to a person’s history and actions. As you continue to date, if they tend to exclude you from other areas of their life such as meeting friends, family, hobbies, social get-togethers, the writing is on the wall – beware. Understand that your love and attention won’t change him but not needing him and giving him space might. If you still see things not coming together after some time, get out now…. OR be prepared  to not expect a close committed relationship – be prepared to take the relationship for what it is. You will not change them. Actions speak louder than words. Believe what they do, not what they say.

Favorite saying I once read:

A man of words but not of deeds is like a garden full of weeds.

Wishing you joy on your journey,

Gail

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